Oops

So many parts of my life are going wrong right now, and I can't fix any of them. At the moment, I should be solidly in the middle of collecting data for my dissertation. But what am I doing instead? Worrying about how to keep my yearbook staff focused on a daily basis. Worrying that the "reflection tool" I had to use in a district PD will get me fired for what I wrote (apparently, being honest isn't a virtue in the edu world). Worrying that my son will get mugged or stolen from again since he's moved to DC with some jezabel, and they've already gotten broken into once. Worrying that my ELA students aren't really reading and aren't enjoying the weekly blog posts I ask them to write. Worrying that my daughter is so bored at school that she will turn into one of the lackadaisical high school kids I deal with daily. Worrying that I'll NEVER actually write a dissertation that, in reality, means a great deal to me.

When it's Dissertation Saturday, I try to leave my house to read and write. Then, I get bored and sad that I am alone. So I surf the web, or plan fun, creative lessons for class. Then, I get mad at myself for not writing or finishing that book that was due at the library two weeks ago. So I leave Panera or the bookstore or the library and go home to sleep. Because all this stuff just makes me tired.
Or -- and this is my FAVORITE way of working -- I stay home because Lily has gone to a friend's house, and I don't have to entertain her. So, I start with some coffee and read my Twitter timeline. That lasts for oh, an hour or so. I see the time pass by and say, "Hmm... okay, one more cup of coffee and five more Twitter minutes." When that hour passes by, I think, "Hmmm...now it's time for breakfast." So, I eat breakfast and watch the tv because I can't eat and write at the same time. When those two hours pass by -- it was a Netflix binge -- I think, "Okay, I'm going to read this chapter and take notes, and then write ALL THE DISSERTATION!" And, after about twenty minutes, I fall asleep. When I wake up, it's probably been a couple of hours, so I stretch, fuss at myself a little, take the dog for a walk and get some fresh air, come back in and eat and while I eat, I watch the tv or read the Twitter and make a plan to stop and WRITE ALL THE DISSERTATION. But by now, my day is shot and watching Netflix or reading a fun book it much more enticing.

This is not how normal people work. Normal people do what they say they are going to do and follow through. And in my real life, I am one of those people. But as a doctoral candidate, I am the worst student/researcher. I have not found a partner with whom I can meet just to write with. I have not locked myself in a closet to sneak in writing. I do have notes and notes and notes, but no organization, so I don't even know what I have at this point.

And the worst part is, I don't know how to get back to caring whether I finish this degree or not. For vanity, I want to. But professionally? What will a doctorate do for me? Once I started really delving into the business of school and how things work, I can't unsee the policies that cripple teachers like me who know what best practices are, yet are forced to change because #TestScores. All these people in my district who are "in charge" of the educational programming have gone to graduate school. They sat in the same classes that I did where we debated and read and wrote about the #BadTeachers and the #SacrificingInstructionForTheTest and how we would #NeverBeThatLeader.

But they've all turned out that way.

I had a phone call yesterday from a woman I worked with when I taught elementary Special Ed. I trust her as a teacher and professional. She spent about thirty minutes (in the middle of my 4th period) justifying why my daughter and the rest of the middle school are taking daily computer tests and why the top students in each grade get to be "enriched" through clubs and interest groups. It all goes back to #TestScores. My kid scored grade level, but not above grade level. My kid is being punished ("She's not being punished, Stephanie. It's only twenty minutes four days a week.") because she didn't score in the brilliance range for math. My kid is being punished because they track the students in middle school -- AIG vs Everyone Else.

My friend and colleague who I trust turned out to only care about #TheTest.

So, this "unseeing" the bad seems to be weighing me down regarding finishing the doctoral program. I am in no way excusing myself or complaining. I'm simply depressed that nothing will change even if I have a doctoral degree.

Well, nothing except, it will be finished. Until then, I "Gotta Change My Way of Living"..... :-)